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What I Really Want...


I guess I've been running away from it more so than attacking my innermost desires. The two that hit skyrocket high is: falling crazily in love and freedom. I figured that I could live without both, being so restricted that I'm incapable to simply enjoy my life. It seemed fine to me since I was already used to it; lack of freedom and no strong love amounting to an actual romance, just a good brotherly pat on the back.

It never satisfies me; in fact, I'm always in denial that I'm content no matter the cause. Truth is, I'm not. Far from it. I hate the controlled lifestyle that I have and high restrictions on my life that limit to my fulfillment. I don't think anyone is aware of what I feel, or they simply ignore it. Either way, I'm not appreciative.

For the past couple years I've been trying to convince myself that falling in love is overrated and people get stupid about it. They fall in love, get married with an expensive wedding and divorce less than ten years afterward -- completely pointless. So I said to myself, "there's no point in falling in love when you're only going to fall out of it soon after."

But I guess my heart has been in disagreement with that for the past couple years, following the thoughts with a bat, telling me that I'm not thinking straight and that I'm only doing this to not feel rejected or cause any emotional pain. What does that do to me? I'm putting myself for rejection to constantly say no to falling in love with a guy and it causes me to feel empty and deprived.

What was I thinking?

Well... I can only tell that I wasn't thinking right to benefit me. I'm not trying to be selfish or shallow, or whatever you can come up to describe me with; I'm only trying to watch out for myself and care of me while everyone else is trying to do the same.

The only problem with marketing a book.


I have a dream about writing a splendid book, publishing and having it sell well. I have a plot, but probably may need to get some better composition skills and some resources to get this book published. While all that can be easily (and sometimes not) fixed, it's the marketing that throws me off.

To get this book and me, the author, known is to make appearances, interviews and whatnot. Honestly, I could shy away under a boulder for the rest of my life, throwing out free copies of my book rather talk in a group setting. It's not my thing. I viewed writing as something that gets me away from all the spotlights. I can have book signings, but I'd rather not do interviews or public appearances where I'm seen by more than ten people at a time. It's nerve-wrecking.

This all makes me think of how I'm going to get it published and how I'm going to make it known without me being seen most of the time. But the readers always want that. They want to see the author, know them and get advice from them.

... I'm just not that girl who wants everyone to know her. I'm the girl who wants to be a mystery to everyone -- that way no one can catch on.

At least it's not a job.


So I've been writing stories on Quizilla probably since 2008, more formally around 2009 when I made a permanent user. I told myself to follow the guidelines that I made to myself when I was writing on Fanfiction.net (this was probably around 2007 or so). If people don't review or whatever, keep writing regardless.

Now that I write on Quizilla, I don't receive necessarily reviews, but ratings. It's a 1 - 5 star rating and I'm usually given a five most of the time. Back when I was establishing my "spot" in writing on Quizilla, it wasn't very common to see a five-star. I was used to no stars until five months have passed away and then maybe I'll get one.

I'm writing this entry, not because I'm upset or anything, but I want to make it crystal-clear: I write for the sake of writing. It's a hobby and it's useless when you keep all your stories forever in your documents. It's like keeping a good book to happen. I was given a 4-star rating today; usually it's not a good sign when you became so adjusted to all the five stars. But I refuse to edit my story.

Back when I was writing on Fanfiction.net, a very excellent and admirable writer on there indirectly gave me some sound advice. She started fanfics on there to have fun and share all of her stories. She became a hit fast and would always receive a buttload of golden reviews. After some point, whenever she wrote, she wrote for the sake of her "fans"--she wrote for the reviews.

I'm not saying that good feedback or feedback at all is bad. 

But she continued on in her profile that after she noticed she was writing for the reviews when in the beginning she was writing to have fun, she stopped for a period to straighten herself out.

Every time I catch myself, searching for a good report, I remind myself of that story. I ask myself, "What am I writing for? Fun or five stars?"

I am not going to be bound like some other people, who are slaves to these ratings. I am going to be the author who writes whatever the hell she wants to write and not give a flip if anyone likes it or not.

That's the way I am. I refuse to change.

If you could meet your true inner self, what would s/he look like, and what would s/he tell you?

First question listed was submitted by hell_missrose. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

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She'll probably be prettier than I really am, I'm sure. Height's a given; doesn't even compare to mine at all.

The most important part of this question... well, I'm not entirely knowledgeable to "just know" what I might say to myself. It's like asking yourself the question, "If your ten-years-older self came to meet you today, what do you think they would say?"

It's not something you flat out know until it actually happens to you. Even you, yourself, would probably have no idea that you're having problems with certain things that they may come out and tell you.

But if my inner self were to address any problems that I know of, she would probably tell me, "Learn to trust life again. There's no point in being scared. If your life were to suck from here on out, stick with it and by the end of your time be able to say that your life was good. Just because, in reality, your life was bad doesn't mean the influence of your life was any worse or exceeds to that limit."

I still hate Lady Gag.


 ... Because she doesn't deserve that extra vowel.


Quick rant about Lady Gaga and we'll move on to a next subject. All right? Great.


As I was liking things on Facebook, like any stereotypical teenage girl would do, I came across this one "like" with a quote from Lady Gaga.


"You have to be unique, and different, and shine in your own way."

Does she not know her English properly, or what? Because "have" is a word that--being used in the above statement--means it's a requirement. That, right there, is a sign of people telling you who to be. See? Even Lady Gage is practically promoting it. She probably has some good intentions, and in fact means that you don't have to be the same. But right there, ladies and gentlemen, is a way to NOT say "It's OK to be you!"

Because I have seen so many people on the internet claiming to be weird or different, or random even. I have heard that statement over a hundred times, at least. Even if you try to be different, you're still not being you. Realize that you ARE different, not that you HAVE to be different. If there are some things that are invested in you that seem the same compared to everyone else... well, get over it. At least people share the same interests as you.

... And you thought Lady Gage was great.

My butt.

And I'm sorry, but I'm here reading quotes and song lyrics and all I can say is, "Wow, you're really dumb, aren't you?"

I agree with one of her boyfriends; I hope she does fail and lose her fame. She doesn't deserve it.

New Subject :: RAISE YOUR GLASS!

I can't believe I made a check-list on Wednesday for today and followed it through. Earlier this day, I thought I wasn't going to achieve any of them. In the end, all was done and conquered.

My little brother and I went walking around our community with the snow hitting our faces. About ten to twenty minutes into the walk, our legs were getting cold. Around thirty to forty minutes into it, our legs became numb. We walked for an hour because that's how long it takes to walk around the whole place.

I was happy that I had walked around the community. It's been a while. I want to do it regularly; just not when it goes below twenty. I'll make an exercising compromise then.

I did my nails today because they were in a desperate need of a pedicure... for a week or so. Glad that got squared away.

Then I finished my work calendars for January, February and March. I'm glad that I started on it early. Usually, I start around the last couple weeks because I tend to forget to do them.

All's well.

I'm slowly inspiring my little brother to do print screen t-shirts. I'm finding that grand. I don't have really any family members that live in Iowa that are willing to do crafts with me every other day.

Everything is getting great.

 I did the stupidest thing a person can ever do... yesterday.


I signed up for NaNoWriMo. And considering the person that I am, I will be forcing myself to write day after day to reach the 50,000 word count. I mean, I made a one-shot that was about ten thousand words. I just need to do that five times more. It should be easy, except that I wrote that 10,000 worded one-shot in about two weeks. I need to double my progress in order to be complete by the deadline.


It doesn't help since I can think of several exclusive days that I cannot come to my computer (of course I'll be on the computer where I'll be at for pretty much the whole day, however, I'm using the computers for work). So, really, double the progress during the week.


I'm just basically excited. I don't really care about finishing the book, no matter the commitment I made; I just want to accomplish writing 50,000 words in a month on the same subject.


So as I sleep deprive myself during this lovely month, I promise I'll either be working or writing as I'm awake.

Tags:

Writer's Block: So much for counting sheep


What do you like to do when you can't get to sleep?

First question listed was submitted by superbia_jace. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

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Very commonly, I listen to music for about an hour or so. Yes, you can say that I do have a hard time getting back to sleep. Usually I don't have a hard time going back to sleep so that's why I listen to my music until I can feel the weariness on my body.


However, if I am full-blown awake, like I'm nowhere near tired, I would take the opportunity to be creative. I usually draw (very crappily, mind you) in a notebook with just a pencil. Sometimes, I write things down. And if I'm that risky that night, I would hop on my computer and restrict myself to only typing on stories. I don't surf the web in the middle of the night unless I haven't touch the bed in a matter of sleeping already.

Created by no_joker_hand
October 9, 2010 

Why must my generation
Be the ones to lead a nation
Far pass the expectations?
We caused the rotation
On our fathers’ foundations
So why must we be the ones?

There’s so many in this land
Who declare their strong-willed word
But it washes away in the sand
And acts like it was unheard
But to only you do I promise
That I’ll be your changer
I won’t be a doubting Thomas
I’ll take the title of a stranger
For your name’s sake

There’re too many hurting people
Who are judged too fast and easily
Their intentions were fine but feeble
Just like who I used to be
But I have one thing to know
Why would you choose me?

There’s so many in this land
Who declare their strong-willed word
But it washes away in the sand
And acts like it was unheard
But to only you do I promise
That I’ll be your changer
I won’t be a doubting Thomas
I’ll take the title of a stranger
For your name’s sake

I am your peculiar child
I am your own
And am I beguiled
To come to your throne
Just as I am

There’s so many in this land
Who declare their strong-willed word
But it washes away in the sand
And acts like it was unheard
But to only you do I promise
That I’ll be your changer
I won’t be a doubting Thomas
I’ll take the title of a stranger
For your name’s sake

Do you think having children is a fundamental human right? Should there should be any restrictions?

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If it was not a fundamental human right, then why were we created to be able to reproduce? Why were we created with the form of a sexual drive? That's one of the very things we're supposed to do as humans--populate the earth.



Don't let some idiot tell you that this world is already overpopulated. Truth is, over six billion people can fit into Jacksonville, Florida twice. So if where you live is crowded enough, I'm going to make it simple for you: MOVE.



But I do think there should be some restrictions, especially in this era. Anyone who's sixteen would be considered a kid in this time. Anyone before this time would be kicked out of the house by the age of sixteen to go raise his own family. So, really, I think a person having a kid should have their head on straight before considering the right time of having a child.



Do you have the money to take care of the child? Would you be able to provide for the child's necessities? Would you love that child, with all his/her flaws--even with Down's Syndrome, Autism, etc.--and never give up on them? Would you discipline that child rightly so that they could learn? Would you teach them in the way that they should go?



You have to really ask yourself some questions before you start.



And it wouldn't be fair to other humans who grew up wanting to have their own family but get stopped by people saying the stupidest things, or creating a law that's far too ignorant.



I also think some adults miss one huge factor: having kids is a responsibility. It's not always going to be a fun in the park. You should be raising your kids for them to be beneficial to future generations. I'm disappointed in some great grandparents of this generation that really corrupted some of their kids because they didn't know how to raise children properly.



All in all, human rights involve repopulating. This earth is a lot bigger than you think. If we could suck up the oceans in one giant tank, we'd have more room when we already have enough.



www.youtube.com/watch



Watch the above video for more references about the population and this earth.

I Find the Greatest Shade of People is You.


Micro-evolution.


It's a change in gene frequency within a population. Micro-evolution tells the false facts of the origin of species.


I came home two hours ago with knowledge I'm still digesting. Dr. Kent Hovind, the Creation seminar speaker, was telling some amazing facts. I'm excited for the next twelve weeks where I get the opportunity to learn more about the Creation - from the both views from Intelligent Design and Evolutionists.


It's just that for three years, since I was in seventh grade, I gained a desire to learn a lot more about Evolution and Intelligent Design. I wanted to see what created a differing factor between the two and made an enormous shift in everyday living. I'll tell you what, it is certainly a lot. There were statistics about teen sex, divorce, illegitimate children, and crimes - all rising in percentage thanks to Evolution.


I'm just overjoyed because I feel a bit more equipped with knowledge.